Not to besmirch the memory of the now late President Ford, but I am reminded on this occasion of one of the greatest sketches in SNL history. And thanks to Google Video, here it is:
Hilarious.
Wednesday, December 27, 2006
Thursday, December 21, 2006
"Surgical Snakebots Crawl Down Your Throat" and Other Idiotic Things I Deal With at the Office on an Hourly Basis (Also, Happy Holidays!)
The title of this entry was overheard just minutes ago from a co-worker, who shall remain nameless. It's our holiday festival today here on the 3rd Floor of Ballou Hall, so you can imagine how much we're working. Anyway, I'm taking this opportunity to wish you all a happy and healthy holiday season. Whether you celebrate Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, Festivus, Boxing Day or anything else, I certainly hope you pass the time with ease surrounded by those you love. I'll be watching 24 pretty much non-stop (it's a new obsession) on the 42-inch HDTV in my new apartment. Despite the fact that I'll be in Medford, I'll be in hog heaven, no doubt.
In any case, best wishes of the season to all of you. See you back here after the break for more insane ravings.
In any case, best wishes of the season to all of you. See you back here after the break for more insane ravings.
Friday, December 15, 2006
Wolf Blitzer and the Art of the Smackdown
CNN and YouTube have combined forces to give us an early gift this holiday season. For some reason which defies almost all logic, Wolf Blitzer decided to interview none other than David Duke, the maniacal former Grand Wizard of the Ku Klux Klan (though, as you will see, that appellation causes Duke to bristle ever so slightly) and Louisiana State Senator and Gubernatorial Candidate. Even better than that interview would be under normal circumstances, Duke was, at the time of the interview, in Tehran, attending a conference of Holocaust deniers convened by the always stayed and composed Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmedinejad. It appears Duke and Ahmedinejad have become BFF's over their collective hatred of "Zionist Oppressors" and "Israel's control over the U.S. government."
Blitzer is nearly incredulous to the point of disbelief with Duke, introducing him by asking the question "So, don't you just basically hate Jews?" And, as amazing as it will sound, it only gets better from there.
But don't let me spoil the fun, watch the interview in its entirety here.
Remember, Blitzer's an avowed GOP coordinator, so I'm not usually a big fan, but he showed that assclown bigot Duke where to shove his phony, ridiculous spewings.
Blitzer is nearly incredulous to the point of disbelief with Duke, introducing him by asking the question "So, don't you just basically hate Jews?" And, as amazing as it will sound, it only gets better from there.
But don't let me spoil the fun, watch the interview in its entirety here.
Remember, Blitzer's an avowed GOP coordinator, so I'm not usually a big fan, but he showed that assclown bigot Duke where to shove his phony, ridiculous spewings.
Wednesday, December 13, 2006
Marcel Vigneron, I Detest You
"I really couldn't do that without a thermal immersion circulator."
"I really felt I didn't need the leadership and kind of did my own thing."
"I engage in avant-garde molecular gastronomy."
"Are you familiar with the plantain? Ok, great."
Ok, so that last one was Stephen Asprinio from last season's Top Chef, but the rest are from that ridiculous pile of bad hair and worse cooking skills who makes my life miserable every Wednesday night at 10pm (9 Central). Marcel needs to be stopped. If he were a decent chef, I might even give him a pass, but he is a kitsch artist passing himself off as gourmet with very few skills, less personality and an absolutely heroic ability to be inarticulate and almost sublimely retarded in the kitchen. The culinary abortions, to borrow a phrase from Stewart Gilligan Griffin, which he assembles (I will NEVER say "creates") are as lackadaisical as they are disgusting. I'm sorry, cutting a slice of watermelon in a circle does not entitle you to call it a "steak." It's not creative, it's a cheap cop-out. People like Cliff, Elia (despite the fact that she was sorely lacking in the leadership department tonight), Sam and Ilan are far and away better chefs for the simple reason that they are more willing to adapt their creations in the chase for the best taste then the best looks. I have a hard time believing any of those people would ever complain about the lack of a thermal immersion circulator. Marcel falls victim to the very same notion which damns Bobby Flay: Just because you press elements of food into a ring and then hit it with some squeeze bottle full of some crap sauce you "invented" doesn't make the product haute cuisine. People like Marcel are killing the restaurant industry, there I said it. No one who actually cares about food wants to eat Turkey Roulade that's been dumbed down to the point of tastelessness, completely lacking in any measure of soul, in order to be chic. Only people who care about being trendy go in for that crap. To be avant garde is necessary, of course, expanding boundaries is necessary in any pursuit, food included. Just don't act like what you're doing is so terribly important to the point where you begin to think your food is actually good, okay Marcel?
P.S. Mia did the right thing tonight. The judges (for some ungodly reason), I believe, were actually going to send Elia home. While her leadership skills are questionable, especially after the complete disaster that tonight's challenge became for her team, Mia allowed herself to twist in the wind. She didn't, as Chef Colicchio pointed out, speak up for herself enough, and so she must reap what she has sown. Classy move, though, the leaving thing.
"I really felt I didn't need the leadership and kind of did my own thing."
"I engage in avant-garde molecular gastronomy."
"Are you familiar with the plantain? Ok, great."
Ok, so that last one was Stephen Asprinio from last season's Top Chef, but the rest are from that ridiculous pile of bad hair and worse cooking skills who makes my life miserable every Wednesday night at 10pm (9 Central). Marcel needs to be stopped. If he were a decent chef, I might even give him a pass, but he is a kitsch artist passing himself off as gourmet with very few skills, less personality and an absolutely heroic ability to be inarticulate and almost sublimely retarded in the kitchen. The culinary abortions, to borrow a phrase from Stewart Gilligan Griffin, which he assembles (I will NEVER say "creates") are as lackadaisical as they are disgusting. I'm sorry, cutting a slice of watermelon in a circle does not entitle you to call it a "steak." It's not creative, it's a cheap cop-out. People like Cliff, Elia (despite the fact that she was sorely lacking in the leadership department tonight), Sam and Ilan are far and away better chefs for the simple reason that they are more willing to adapt their creations in the chase for the best taste then the best looks. I have a hard time believing any of those people would ever complain about the lack of a thermal immersion circulator. Marcel falls victim to the very same notion which damns Bobby Flay: Just because you press elements of food into a ring and then hit it with some squeeze bottle full of some crap sauce you "invented" doesn't make the product haute cuisine. People like Marcel are killing the restaurant industry, there I said it. No one who actually cares about food wants to eat Turkey Roulade that's been dumbed down to the point of tastelessness, completely lacking in any measure of soul, in order to be chic. Only people who care about being trendy go in for that crap. To be avant garde is necessary, of course, expanding boundaries is necessary in any pursuit, food included. Just don't act like what you're doing is so terribly important to the point where you begin to think your food is actually good, okay Marcel?
P.S. Mia did the right thing tonight. The judges (for some ungodly reason), I believe, were actually going to send Elia home. While her leadership skills are questionable, especially after the complete disaster that tonight's challenge became for her team, Mia allowed herself to twist in the wind. She didn't, as Chef Colicchio pointed out, speak up for herself enough, and so she must reap what she has sown. Classy move, though, the leaving thing.
Monday, December 11, 2006
Monday Evening Quarterback
As America settles in for another rousing edition of Monday Night Football, let's take a look at what we learned yesterday across the NFL.
1) The Patriots cannot play in Miami in December.
Okay, well, we already knew that, given that in the entire 41-year history of the franchise, the Boys in Blue are now 2-12 in that situation. Some of the worst, stomach-punch, gut-wrenching losses in Pats history have come at the hands of the Fish, and yesterday was no different. Tom Brady looked human as Jason Taylor (who, by the way, in my admittedly limited NFL viewing this season, has gone to the next level and is rivaling Urlacher for Defensive Player of the Year) and company humbled the two-time Super Bowl MVP. I'm not as concerned as many commentators have been about the three turnovers. Yesterday was a punting situation for the Pats. They barely suited up. Luckily, they have the week off next Sunday (at home to the Texans, who are suppsedly still an NFL franchise...more on them in a moment), so they rest a bit, heal up and secure their rightful place in the playoffs.
2) The Saints and Chargers are actually that good.
If Tom Brady looked human, Drew Brees and LaDainian Tomlinson looked superhuman. Brees, with a big up to prospective Coach of the Year Sean Payton, used all his weapons effectively and the Saints marched to victory easily over Dallas who, suddenly, look eminently beatable. For all of the stories about how great the Saints are for New Orleans (and believe me, every one of those stories deserves to be written), this is more than a Cinderella story. This team can compete, and they will be in the mix in the NFC. But what more can be said about Tomlinson, except that I think we all hope he is indicative of the next wave of NFL superstars. In an age dominated by distractions like T.O., Tomlinson is the consummate professional and the one guy around whom you want to start building your tam and your locker room. Chris Berman made the point on SportsCenter this evening, when Tomlinson shattered Shaun Alexander's barely-minted touchdown record, he spoke about how "we" would be telling "our" kids about this feat. That's not the royal we, man. Tomlinson immediately credited his offensive line and his quarterback and his coaching staff for a decidedly singular achievement. I'm honestly surprised he didn't thank the waterboy for keeping him hydrated so effectively. In any case, Tomlinson's performance over the last 9 weeks (26 touchdowns...you read that correctly) is an astonishing moment for pro football and sports in general, and should be commended by every dan with a voice and sportswriter with a pen.
3) Houston, we have a problem.
Vince Young, Reggie Bush and Matt Leinart are all going to be outstanding professionals. And the Houston Texans passed on all of them. This joke of a franchise went with a defensive end from NC State (a bad team in a lacklustre conference) because they thought they were building for the future with David Carr and Dominick Davis. Newsflash, Houston: Any of those three would have been, not just an upgrade, but the answer to all of your problems. Making matters worse, Vince Young, the local lad the Texans snubbed in order to bulk up their defense, ran right through that defense in overtime, 38 yards to paydirt to sink the Texans. Talk about a dagger.
Now, for what we should learn tonight.
1) Rex Grossman will bounce back.
I mean, he has to. You don't post a 1.3 Passer Rating and then get worse the following week. That can't happen.
...Right?
2) The Rams will make a valiant a ttempt to prove their detractors wrong.
But they are team going in exactly the wrong direction with bad coaching and a worse quarterback, so they will fail. But, at least they will try.
3) Theismann will continue to step on Kornheiser's brilliant insights.
I'm pretty sure the only person who misses Paul McGuire in the commentary box in all of America is Joe Theismann.
Enjoy the game.
1) The Patriots cannot play in Miami in December.
Okay, well, we already knew that, given that in the entire 41-year history of the franchise, the Boys in Blue are now 2-12 in that situation. Some of the worst, stomach-punch, gut-wrenching losses in Pats history have come at the hands of the Fish, and yesterday was no different. Tom Brady looked human as Jason Taylor (who, by the way, in my admittedly limited NFL viewing this season, has gone to the next level and is rivaling Urlacher for Defensive Player of the Year) and company humbled the two-time Super Bowl MVP. I'm not as concerned as many commentators have been about the three turnovers. Yesterday was a punting situation for the Pats. They barely suited up. Luckily, they have the week off next Sunday (at home to the Texans, who are suppsedly still an NFL franchise...more on them in a moment), so they rest a bit, heal up and secure their rightful place in the playoffs.
2) The Saints and Chargers are actually that good.
If Tom Brady looked human, Drew Brees and LaDainian Tomlinson looked superhuman. Brees, with a big up to prospective Coach of the Year Sean Payton, used all his weapons effectively and the Saints marched to victory easily over Dallas who, suddenly, look eminently beatable. For all of the stories about how great the Saints are for New Orleans (and believe me, every one of those stories deserves to be written), this is more than a Cinderella story. This team can compete, and they will be in the mix in the NFC. But what more can be said about Tomlinson, except that I think we all hope he is indicative of the next wave of NFL superstars. In an age dominated by distractions like T.O., Tomlinson is the consummate professional and the one guy around whom you want to start building your tam and your locker room. Chris Berman made the point on SportsCenter this evening, when Tomlinson shattered Shaun Alexander's barely-minted touchdown record, he spoke about how "we" would be telling "our" kids about this feat. That's not the royal we, man. Tomlinson immediately credited his offensive line and his quarterback and his coaching staff for a decidedly singular achievement. I'm honestly surprised he didn't thank the waterboy for keeping him hydrated so effectively. In any case, Tomlinson's performance over the last 9 weeks (26 touchdowns...you read that correctly) is an astonishing moment for pro football and sports in general, and should be commended by every dan with a voice and sportswriter with a pen.
3) Houston, we have a problem.
Vince Young, Reggie Bush and Matt Leinart are all going to be outstanding professionals. And the Houston Texans passed on all of them. This joke of a franchise went with a defensive end from NC State (a bad team in a lacklustre conference) because they thought they were building for the future with David Carr and Dominick Davis. Newsflash, Houston: Any of those three would have been, not just an upgrade, but the answer to all of your problems. Making matters worse, Vince Young, the local lad the Texans snubbed in order to bulk up their defense, ran right through that defense in overtime, 38 yards to paydirt to sink the Texans. Talk about a dagger.
Now, for what we should learn tonight.
1) Rex Grossman will bounce back.
I mean, he has to. You don't post a 1.3 Passer Rating and then get worse the following week. That can't happen.
...Right?
2) The Rams will make a valiant a ttempt to prove their detractors wrong.
But they are team going in exactly the wrong direction with bad coaching and a worse quarterback, so they will fail. But, at least they will try.
3) Theismann will continue to step on Kornheiser's brilliant insights.
I'm pretty sure the only person who misses Paul McGuire in the commentary box in all of America is Joe Theismann.
Enjoy the game.
Friday, December 08, 2006
Scott Boras Must Be Stopped
Let us start the proceedings on this new blog with a treatise on the merits of banishing Scott Boras from our beloved game of baseball. Pete Rose was banned for life for less egregious crimes than Boras commits on a daily basis. So, Bud Selig, I beg you to weigh the merits of forcing Boras' graceful exit.
First and foremost, Boras, through an avowedly shrewd series of maneuvers has, over the last several years, managed to trap in his thrall some of the most important and sought-after players in the game today. That's the business of baseball, and Boras has been very good at capitalizing on it. The problem is, he has become so powerful that he now controls ALL of the game's greatest superstars. He now has a monopoly on the marketplace. Just in this year's free agent class, he controls the destiny of Daisuke Matsuzaka (a name we will return to in mere moments) and Barry Zito, as well as the recently signed Greg Maddux and J.D. Drew among a host of others. For the latter two he has secured ridiculous contracts (though I do not begrudge Maddux for getting a well-deserved payday despite the fact he has been over the hill for about three years now). Because he is in complete control of the market, Boras was able to bend the Red Sox (a team who now have 4 frontline, capable of starting outfielders for three positions) over a barrel and give J.D. Drew a 5-year, $70 million contract. Don't get me wrong Drew is a very capable 5-hitter with a good glove, but he is injury-prone (averages about 115 games a season) and no one is quite sure how he will handle the immense pressure of playing in baseball's holiest city. Nonetheless, because Boras controls nearly every other commodity that the Red Sox would desire at that position, he was able to sidle up to Theo and the Trio and name his price.
Which brings us to the Matsuzaka conundrum. The Red Sox have ponied up $51.1 million just to TALK to the Japanese supposed-superstar-to-be and now Boras isn't playing nice. He has repeatedly leaked stories to the media (along with the Godfather, Don Larry Lucchino) about how far apart the two sides are, trying to build a wave of public sentiment in Boston that will force Epstein and Lucchino's hand and pay frontline starter prices for unproven talent. Topping that of course, he is also leaking stories all over ESPN about how Texas is preparing to offer Barry Zito an unconscionable $105 million over six years and that Matsuzaka's talent far exceeds that of Zito. Boras, thus, is creating an artificial marketplace. What he is doing is tantamount to insider trading. Agents should be allowed to get the best deals for their clients, but what Boras is doing is forcing the Kansas City Royals, for example, to shell out $55 million over five years to secure the services of Gil "Ga" Meche, or the Cubs to give Ted Lilly $40 million over four years. Ted Lilly can't pitch his way out of a wet paper bag, let alone even stand up to National League competition. But, again, because of Boras' control of the market and underhanded tactics used to exploit it, this is the situation in which we find ourselves. How much longer until we return to the bloated, never-ending contracts of the A-Rod and Manny era? How much longer until Ian Bladergroen, one of Boras' prospect holdings is holding out from contract talks until a team offers him 7 years and $148 million to be a 6-hitter with a .280 average?
So the question remains, how does baseball stop Boras? The answer is rather simple in theory yet extremely complicated in practice. (See what I did there...it's the name of the blog...Oh, never mind.) The 30 General Managers must (including Brian Cashman) resolve in the next off-season to stop negotiating with this terror. Next year's free agent class is much deeper than this year's and you can bet that Boras will be lining up his talent pool at the winter meetings for a dog and pony show about how you too can secure the services of Chan Ho Park for 5 years for a scant $189 million or some ridiculous thing. No, the GMs must take a stand and force Boras' clients into a semi-holdout predicament. These guys are not that stupid. If they are told repeatedly that they will not play if they represented by a blackballed entity, they'll jump ship quickly, diversify the agent pool and the market again and reset the marketplace to be much more fair and equitable. Then Boras, millions in hand, can retire to a life of ignominy.
It'll never happen, of course. But boy would I love to see the stupid look on his face if it did.
First and foremost, Boras, through an avowedly shrewd series of maneuvers has, over the last several years, managed to trap in his thrall some of the most important and sought-after players in the game today. That's the business of baseball, and Boras has been very good at capitalizing on it. The problem is, he has become so powerful that he now controls ALL of the game's greatest superstars. He now has a monopoly on the marketplace. Just in this year's free agent class, he controls the destiny of Daisuke Matsuzaka (a name we will return to in mere moments) and Barry Zito, as well as the recently signed Greg Maddux and J.D. Drew among a host of others. For the latter two he has secured ridiculous contracts (though I do not begrudge Maddux for getting a well-deserved payday despite the fact he has been over the hill for about three years now). Because he is in complete control of the market, Boras was able to bend the Red Sox (a team who now have 4 frontline, capable of starting outfielders for three positions) over a barrel and give J.D. Drew a 5-year, $70 million contract. Don't get me wrong Drew is a very capable 5-hitter with a good glove, but he is injury-prone (averages about 115 games a season) and no one is quite sure how he will handle the immense pressure of playing in baseball's holiest city. Nonetheless, because Boras controls nearly every other commodity that the Red Sox would desire at that position, he was able to sidle up to Theo and the Trio and name his price.
Which brings us to the Matsuzaka conundrum. The Red Sox have ponied up $51.1 million just to TALK to the Japanese supposed-superstar-to-be and now Boras isn't playing nice. He has repeatedly leaked stories to the media (along with the Godfather, Don Larry Lucchino) about how far apart the two sides are, trying to build a wave of public sentiment in Boston that will force Epstein and Lucchino's hand and pay frontline starter prices for unproven talent. Topping that of course, he is also leaking stories all over ESPN about how Texas is preparing to offer Barry Zito an unconscionable $105 million over six years and that Matsuzaka's talent far exceeds that of Zito. Boras, thus, is creating an artificial marketplace. What he is doing is tantamount to insider trading. Agents should be allowed to get the best deals for their clients, but what Boras is doing is forcing the Kansas City Royals, for example, to shell out $55 million over five years to secure the services of Gil "Ga" Meche, or the Cubs to give Ted Lilly $40 million over four years. Ted Lilly can't pitch his way out of a wet paper bag, let alone even stand up to National League competition. But, again, because of Boras' control of the market and underhanded tactics used to exploit it, this is the situation in which we find ourselves. How much longer until we return to the bloated, never-ending contracts of the A-Rod and Manny era? How much longer until Ian Bladergroen, one of Boras' prospect holdings is holding out from contract talks until a team offers him 7 years and $148 million to be a 6-hitter with a .280 average?
So the question remains, how does baseball stop Boras? The answer is rather simple in theory yet extremely complicated in practice. (See what I did there...it's the name of the blog...Oh, never mind.) The 30 General Managers must (including Brian Cashman) resolve in the next off-season to stop negotiating with this terror. Next year's free agent class is much deeper than this year's and you can bet that Boras will be lining up his talent pool at the winter meetings for a dog and pony show about how you too can secure the services of Chan Ho Park for 5 years for a scant $189 million or some ridiculous thing. No, the GMs must take a stand and force Boras' clients into a semi-holdout predicament. These guys are not that stupid. If they are told repeatedly that they will not play if they represented by a blackballed entity, they'll jump ship quickly, diversify the agent pool and the market again and reset the marketplace to be much more fair and equitable. Then Boras, millions in hand, can retire to a life of ignominy.
It'll never happen, of course. But boy would I love to see the stupid look on his face if it did.
Monday, December 04, 2006
Welcome to Theory in Practice
For those of you who just clicked over from the Pink Polo Goes to Africa, welcome! For those who didn't, how the hell did you find me? Anyway, this space will start to fill up very soon with musings on diverse subjects of national and world import. You know, baseball, wine, music, politics, being a college student. Real important stuff.
Anyway, thanks for looking in. Check back soon!
Anyway, thanks for looking in. Check back soon!
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